Self-Compassion for Men
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Introduction: What is Self-Compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff, perhaps the leading psychologist of self-compassion, defines self-compassion as follows: “Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward. We are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes or feel inadequate. We give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being cold and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise in our lives.”
With this basic definition in mind, this article provides guidelines on how men can practise being more self-compassionate.
Self-compassion for Men
In developing and communicating practices of self-compassion, Dr. Neff identified five main myths that can act as barriers to taking up the practice. Overcoming these myths clears the way to being more self-compassionate.
The five myths that Dr. Neff encountered are as follows:
1. Self-compassion is a form of self-pity
2. Self-compassion means becoming weak
3. Self-compassion will make me complacent
4. Self-compassion is narcissistic
5. Self-compassion is selfish
For those of us with a history of “traditional male socialisation”, fears around becoming “weak” or becoming complacent especially need to be addressed.
And thus to speak plainly: the evidence doesn’t support the fear that self-compassion will lead to weakness. On the contrary, and for example, self-compassion is correlated with better psychological adjustment to divorce, both at the time of the divorce as well as 9 months later.
And regarding the fear of complacency, another fear common to action-oriented males, research is showing that self-compassion actually increases motivation to take responsibility for harmful past behaviours. For example, a study showed that people who engaged in a self-compassionate activity like writing to themselves from the perspective of a supportive friend, were more likely than those in two different control groups, to apologise for their behaviour and make a commitment to change.
So How Do I Do This?
Having established that increasing self-compassion is a worthwhile goal to pursue, the next question is naturally “how do I actually do this? What practices can I engage with that will increase my self-compassion?”
Practice #1 - Turn Towards Difficult Experience
One of the ways that internal suffering is prolonged or unresolved is that we tend to avoid difficult emotions, sensations and thoughts, including distressing mental imagery. Unfortunately, when we resist difficult internal experience by turning away from it, we aren’t able to do anything about it. As is sometimes said, “what we resist, persists”. Overcoming this tendency of avoidance is thus the first step towards self-compassion.
Therefore, try bringing your full attention right now towards your internal experience. What exactly are the verbal thoughts, feelings, sensations and mental images happening in your mind and heart right now? Feel what you are feeling, hear what you are saying to yourself, and see what “movie” might be playing on the internal “screen” of your mind.
Practice #2 - Inquire Into Needs
This second practice is a kind of orienting question, an inquiry that we can make whenever we are feeling a distressing emotion. Our emotions are information about the impact of a situation upon us, and yet so often we can judge ourselves for having uncomfortable feelings.
Having become aware of what is happening through mindful turning towards it, we then move in the opposite direction of self-criticism by inquiring “what is this feeling telling me that I need?” Very often we have grown up in contexts where needs weren’t reliably attended to, and so providing a map of needs is useful. Here’s one map that I often use with clients because it reflects the needs that are most important from very early in life, what are called our “attachment” needs. Primary attachment needs we all have as infants and toddlers are as follows:
Felt sense of safety at the physical level.
Attunement -- we need to feel seen, known and understood at the emotional level.
Feeling comforted, soothed and reassured -- we can’t regulate our own distress as young children so we need our caregivers to help us feel better when we are upset.
Feeling valued -- we need our parents to like having us around.
Felt support for our best selves -- we need to be supported in our strengths and interests so that we have the confidence to “go for it”, to explore the inner and outer worlds, to broaden our horizons in life.
With this map in mind, try asking yourself, “what do I need right now?” and see what emerges as an answer. Write it down, or simply take action on what comes up for you.
Practice #3 - Loving-Kindness Meditation
For this third practice of loving-kindness or self-compassion meditation, we repeat a series of affirmations over and over again for at least five to ten minutes, in which the phrases amount to a conviction that our needs are being or will be met. These phrases are another way to orient us to the natural motivation we all have to meet our needs. A
The conventional phrases of loving-kindness are as follows:
“I am safe from harm.”
“I am healthy and strong.”
“I am happy and peaceful.”
“I care for myself with ease and joy.”
Based on my experience as a man and in working with many men, I have added a fifth one: “I am a good man.”
The practice of repeating these over and over — not unlike a mantra — might seem a little mechanical at first, but based on my experience, you will eventually begin to feel a genuine sense of self-love, as you learn to be your own best friend. This practice is especially important to do when you notice that the inner critic is active, or when you notice that you are feeling shame without having done anything wrong.
Heterosexual men in particular tend to be vulnerable to the emotion of shame in relationships with women. Women are able to give birth to other humans and heterosexual men are attracted to them; in this context, men can feel inadequate and therefore self-compassion is an especially important practice for heterosexual men to be happy and healthy within intimate relationships.
Conclusion and Next Steps
Developing the skill of self-compassion can be difficult for men to engage with given several common myths. However, once these myths have been dispelled, there are available at least three practices to get started with this practice that research shows is highly beneficial to emotional wellbeing. And, for those wanting professional help to individualize this practice, to put it in the context of many additional beneficial change processes, and to potentially deepen it further, please click on the “work with me” button on this website.
AI Declaration: This article is entirely AI free.
References
Brown, D. P., & Elliott, D. S. (2016). Attachment disturbances in adults: Treatment for comprehensive repair. W. W. Norton & Company.